“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

“If we’re destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there’s got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.”

“Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.”

“We focus so much on our differences, and that is creating, I think, a lot of chaos and negativity and bullying in the world. And I think if everybody focused on what we all have in common – which is – we all want to be happy.”

“I don’t pay attention to the number of birthdays. It’s weird when I say I’m 53. It just is crazy that I’m 53. I think I’m very immature. I feel like a kid. That’s why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can’t do certain things anymore – like doing the plank for 10 minutes.”

“Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.”

“So many people prefer to live in drama because it’s comfortable. It’s like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship – it’s actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.”

“Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.”

“We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.”

“I’m not an activist; I don’t look for controversy. I’m not a political person, but I’m a person with compassion. I care passionately about equal rights. I care about human rights. I care about animal rights.”

“I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me.”

“Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.”

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”

“I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we’re all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose… When you connect with that love and that compassion, that’s when everything unfolds.”

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

“I was raised in an atmosphere of ‘everything’s fine.’ But as I got older, I was like, ‘Well no, everything’s not fine. There is stuff that’s sad.’ I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.”

“We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.”

“I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that’s ever happened to me has taught me compassion.”

“The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.”

“I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness – and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I’m a human trying to make it through in this world.”

“I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules.”

“Designing is my hobby. If I didn’t do what I do for a living – at some point when I don’t do this for a living – I’ll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture.”

“The only thing I really recommend, if you’re starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they’re unique.”

“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”

“Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called ‘Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.’ I’d never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I’d last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.”

“I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that’s where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.”

“The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhart, by Carol Burnett, by Lucille Ball.”

“Just go up to somebody on the street and say ‘You’re it!’ and then run away.”

“People love gossip. It’s the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.”

“No matter how popular you are as a stand-up – you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny – it’s delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it’s not about you, that it’s about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.”

“I’m a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.”

“I like being busy and juggling a lot of things at the same time. I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot.”

“People give me such a hard time because I don’t wear dresses. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don’t care if it’s called marriage. I don’t care if it’s called, you know, domestic partnership. I don’t care what it’s called.”

“It’s our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that’s what I know for sure… I think.”

“If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.”

“I just want to find somebody special, somebody that I click with.”

“Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.”

“I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they’re seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that’s fine for me. I’m not saying I don’t like it. But I don’t think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there’s just no innocence left.”

“Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn’t want to have a child. I knew I didn’t want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I’m around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.”

“I collect old portraits. They’re all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There’s a guy – I don’t know who he is, but he’s wearing a suit. He’s got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I’m just wondering why someone painted him.”

“I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He’s the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor’s wife right now.”

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”

“I wanted to have money; I wanted to be special; I wanted people to like me; I wanted to be famous.”

“But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let’s get our priorities straight. I think we all know what’s really important in life – winning an Oscar.”

“I’d like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I’ve tried to meditate, but it’s really hard for me to stay still. I’d like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can’t shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key.”

“I just like observing people – it’s something I’ve done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That’s a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.”

“While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I’d say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses.”

“Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.”

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

“I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.”

“I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.”

“I have a great career, and I have wonderful fans who really are supportive and loyal – because I’m not hiding anything from them.”

“Usually, I wear tennis shoes because my feet are flat, and it hurts to wear anything other than shoes that are cushiony.”

“I’m a fan of people getting together.”

“I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they’re usually somebody’s. You know, I’m not wearing Kmart.”

“When people show me clothing that seems very, very feminine, it’s hard for me to embrace that, because it just doesn’t feel like me.”

“I am a really sensitive person.”

“I was raised that you don’t use something nice until there’s someplace to go.”

“I would love for the world to be happier.”

“I’m sure there’s somebody out there who doesn’t like Betty White because she’s short and has white hair.”

“I was coming home from kindergarten – well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.”

“I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.”

“I’m probably the most honest person you’ll ever meet – to a fault, like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings honest. I’m sure if I lied about anything, it would have been silly, but I haven’t retained that information.”

“I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who’s coming from a loving place instead of a political place.”

“My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom’s not, and I’m not. But I believe in God, and that there’s a higher power and an intelligence that’s bigger than us and that we can rely on. It’s not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.”

“I hate having to do small talk. I’d rather talk about deep subjects. I’d rather talk about meditation, or the world, or the trees or animals, than small, inane, you know, banter.”

“People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that. And if you love your animal, then you should feed them something that’s not dangerous for them. There’s a lot of poisonous stuff that they’re putting in a lot of that food, those by-products.”

“When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.”

“I do have ADD and in real life, I’m all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I’d start drifting off… I can’t sit still too long.”

“Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up the show because people thought no one would watch it because I’m openly gay.”

“I’ve been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it’s pretty equal. I don’t know why that is. It’s been the same thing for a while. It’s hard for female comedians to stand out. That’s weird. That’s a shame.”

“I’ve moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don’t move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I’m not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.”

“I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I’ve started a record label, so I get to nurture new talent and talk about music, which is a passion of mine. I’ve written another book. And I get to come to work and do the TV show, which is always really fun.”

“The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime’s Funniest Person in America. And that’s a really tough title to travel around with when you’re not even known.”

“Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.”

“I’m a comedian, and I definitely see the humor in a lot of things. I am also sad a lot. I cry often and easily. I think you’re supposed to feel all kinds of things.”

“For some reason, we can’t just enjoy somebody else’s success. Somehow, that’s going to affect us. If they have more, then I have less – and I don’t know why.”

“I have an amazing team; I have amazing producers; I have amazing writers, but at the end of it, it’s me making the decisions on the writing, the tone, the editing.”

“If we’re destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there’s got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world.”

“The stand up, everything was accidental. I never grew up and was the class clown and had to get the attention. It was – it really is, I have a career despite myself.”

“Comedy can be, especially in a writer’s room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It’s not a nurturing place. It’s not like a lot of women are going to say, I can’t wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer’s room until 2 or 3 a.m.”

“I know that every time I list something that I am, I am potentially alienating a whole group of people. Publicists and managers will encourage you not to say what political party you belong to, what you eat, what you don’t eat, who you sleep with and all that stuff.”

“There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don’t even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don’t seem to have time now.”

“If you’re going to be honest with yourself, you have to admit that you go into show business wanting people to talk about you and wanting everyone to know who you are. But that also means there are going to be a whole bunch of people who don’t like you. No matter who you are.”

“I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson’s show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.”

“People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they’ve been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don’t want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.”

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